SPND Goes Recruiting

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SPND Goes Recruiting

 

Editor’s note: A rare treat for readers with this post! We’ve been combing through the recently leaked emails from the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran (AEOI), and came across a nugget from some of the AEOI’s Iranian colleagues that was too good not to share. We’re releasing in its entirety the below email from Iran’s SPND organization, which we’ve translated for your convenience.

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From: SPND Human Resources Department <wewantsuckers@projectsepand.ir>

To: Number One Iranian Recruitment Agency & Kebab Emporium <recruitment@bestjobsnkebab.ir>

 

Dearest Recruitment Agency & Kebab Emporium,

 

Here’s the job advert that we at SPND want to publicize:

 

Hi friends! SPND here, Iran’s oldest and most prestigious nuclear-weapons-but-not-really research organization. You might have seen us “going viral” recently with our Instagram and Telegram.

Due to the haemorrhaging recent turnover in staff, we’re looking for new recruits at all levels.

 

What we’re seeking:

·       New graduates in the sciences or engineering with a mediocre university record (the good ones have already accepted employment or postdocs abroad).

·       Social media wizzes, futurists, and technologists unable to undertake a basic Google search.

·       Middle managers who led failed projects elsewhere in Iran’s defense sector. Were you responsible for a COVID vaccine that didn’t pass clinical trials; a new missile system that exploded before getting off the ground; or a carbon fiber production plant that never actually produced any carbon fiber? We want you!

·       Aspiring senior leaders ready to transition to the top level (probably sooner than planned…).

·       Enthusiasm for weapons of mass destruction, whether it’s nuclear, chemical or biological – within limits of course! We’ve got strict international obligations to comply with. LOL. 😉

Here’s our offer:

·       Competitive* salary.

·       Guaranteed change in organizational leadership at least every 12 months.

·       Significant opportunities for upwards management (given your boss will be sycophantic bureaucrat without any of the skills required to actually do their job…).

·       The opportunity to work overseas (only applies to Kish Island).

·       Equity stake in SPND start-up companies (no more than 1% - the bosses all take their cut first).

·       Sensible restrictions on lifestyle, dress, ideology, relationships, and travel (unlimited duration).

·       Potential recognition by the United Nations and European Union (Get YOUR name added to sanctions lists!).

·       Personal bodyguards and enhanced security** for senior leaders.

·       Achieve internet fame by being shit-posted by niche websites.

*Not competitive

 

**Ineffective, who knows when you’ll need it most...

 

If this sounds like a match, we’re excited to hear from you!

 

To apply, please contact:

Dr Reza Mozafarinia (thecurrentboss@projectsepand.ir)

 

Applications must close January 31 2024 (just kidding, we’ll never close applications, we’re desperate)

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